Me without You
by CamillaChappers
Summary: She finally gets the courage to sort a number of issues out, but will Mary have lost Matthew for good? Set during Christmas Special M/M


**I decided to write a fic in aid of the Christmas Special which is not far away now, eeeeeee! But I know nothing of the plot, I'm only going by the very little I've seen in promo pictures - this is purely what I would ideally like to happen to my favourite ship.**

**Enjoy Downtonians!**

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><p>She felt relief at last, relief that he had finally gone. She forced herself to take a proper look at her feelings for Sir Richard after the shooting party, after what he had done to her. She would think to herself – "why should I be with a man who does that to me?" But then, she knew the very reason why.<p>

But now, she had decided enough was enough. He could publish her secret, the dark shameful secret she had always kept quiet but she just could not be with him any longer. So out he'd gone, shouting as he went, screaming at the top of his lungs that shame would be brought on the Crawley family as he was roughly thrown out of Downton by Carson and her father. It was then that she knew she had to tell her father, her family.

She stood in the middle of the library, quietly telling her story of that fateful night, flanked by her mother and grandmother; she recounted the story, admitting that she did not turn him away but she did not invite him. She refused to look at her father, not wanting to see the disappointment and shame she knew would be there, instead choosing to look at the carpet. She waited in silence as her father slowly digested the news, the silence broken by her mother and grandmother beginning to defend her hotly. They were silenced however when Robert slowly walked towards his eldest daughter, placing a delicate hand gently under her chin, lifting her teary eyes to meet his.

"Oh my child," He said quietly, looking at her with such…love she decided was the emotion, "why on earth didn't you tell me?"

She hung her head in shame, letting out a shaky sigh.

"I wanted to Papa. I just couldn't face you being disappointed." She said, more tears leaking out as she felt her father's strong arms envelope her in a tight embrace as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"My dear, I'm just disappointed you felt you couldn't tell me," Robert whispered gently, pulling back to wipe away the tears streaming down his daughter's face, smiling ever so weakly.

"Whatever happens, we are here for you and we will do our very best to minimalize the damage caused by that horrible man." His expression turned sour at the thought of Richard Carlisle, but it soon softened as his daughter clutched his hands firmly.

"I'm sorry Papa. It's a mistake I regret and will regret. It could have lost us everything," She sighed as the one person she would truly ever love sprang to mind as she turned her head slightly to meet his eyes. Those bright electric eyes of Matthew. He hadn't said one word since she had told her story, only now did she have the courage to seek him out. He was leaning on the fireplace, his gaze had been directed down at the fire burning away but now he had looked up to meet her gaze. She knew what she would see – hurt and disappointment. She could have quite possibly have lost Matthew forever, but he had needed to know after all these years.

The rest of the conservation had passed in a blur as the family had discussed what to do; the retelling of her story had taken it out of Mary and she had sat down in a chair, refusing to look at Matthew once more. She could feel his gaze on her, but she couldn't bear to see such hurt again. One by one, the family started to retire for the evening – reassuring hugs and touches on the shoulder were made to Mary, sympathetic smiles as her family tried to reassure her

She was pretty sure that she was soon left on her own, gazing at the fireplace and lost in her own thoughts. It felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders that she could finally be at peace that they knew her darkest secret. Yet, the hurt on his face tortured her. She had been a coward to have not told him sooner, that she had told Richard but not him… Oh what a fool she had been! She suddenly became aware of footsteps behind her, and she turned sharply around to see him standing there.

Silence passed for a few moments as he simply stood there, gazing at her. He swallowed heavily, before clearing his throat to speak.

"You should go to bed, I should think you've had quite a day," He said quietly. She sighed sadly, resisting the urge for tears to start pouring again.

"Thank you, but I don't think I'll be able to," She said, smiling slightly, before dropping her gaze back to the fire. She could feel the think tension in the air, the clear disappointment radiating over off of him. She then heard his footsteps draw ever closer to her, echoing around the room as she felt him stop not too far from him.

"Is this why you didn't accept me? Is this why, after all these years, you couldn't say yes?" His voice was barely a whisper but she could hear the emotion laced into his voice. She couldn't bear to look at him now, focusing her attention elsewhere as she closed her eyes wanting to keep the tears out.

"Yes," She breathed shakily, as she found it increasingly harder and harder to talk, as if her throat was closing up.

"But you told – _Sir_ Richard," She had to smirk slightly at the sarcasm in his voice, but she knew how much hurt he was to even think of him. "And not me?"

"Yes and it was surprisingly easy," She admitted, before hastily adding, "It wasn't that I wanted to – I wish I never had done. But I did to protect the family."

She could see him nod slowly out of the corner of her eye, and she felt him move ever closer to her.

"But why couldn't you tell me Mary?" She looked up at him now at the slightly harsher tone of his voice, to see him gazing down at her with such intensity.

"I was…afraid Matthew," She began, not once taking her gaze from his. She wanted him to know why she couldn't, why she was so afraid to tell him.

"I was afraid that I would lose you, that you would hate me for it and you wouldn't love me anymore. You deserve to be with someone who is virtuous, I am not worthy." She stated, never feeling as dejected as she did right now. They stared at each other for a few silent moments, before he broke the silence, emotion heavy in his voice.

"And you thought that I wouldn't be able to see past it? That my love for you wouldn't be so strong to just forget it Mary, is that it?" He said, the words seeming harsher than they were. She now stood at this point, turning to face him.

"Yes, because I cared and I still do! I care about how you think of me Matthew, and to think that you would be so disappointed in me hurt so much. It hurt to think I could lose you, even though I have done." She finished, turning away from him as she wiped tears away, ready to walk right out of the library before a hand shot out in front of her. His hand had grabbed hers, and she spun around to face him. She expected sadness, but she saw… love. Hope.

"That's not true, Mary," He said, now caressing her hand slowly, making her breath hitch in her throat.

"Despite everything, I would never stop loving you. Never. I know what I said when… Lavinia, well…" He paused, before taking her hand even tighter than before, "But you haven't lost me, I'm still here Mary, and I always will be."

She was stunned. It was too good to be true, that he was forgiving enough to still love her after everything. She swallowed as she looked deeply into his eyes.

"But what of my secret?"

He smiled, a broad smile as one of his hands now moved up to caress her cheek, slowly moving his thumb gently across her skin.

"What of it? Yes I was hurt, but I was more hurt that you felt you couldn't tell me. But now," He paused, taking in her beautiful features, smiling gently, "I can't imagine _me_ without _you. _I probably wasn't even in our thoughts when it happened, I had only just arrived here. Mary it doesn't matter._"_

He was now smiling broadly as Mary felt her mouth turn upwards, a ghost of a smile appearing on her face as her gaze flickered down to his lips.

"Oh Matthew…"

"I love you Mary." He was now grinning, and he suddenly captured her lips in his. She smiled against his lips before melting into the kiss, first sweet and innocent before it deepened. She felt his arms come round to hold her waist tightly whilst her arms found their way around his neck as their lips moved in time, in rhythm. She felt a delicious sensation pass through her as they stayed in a trance, pressing each other against one other, not wanting to let you. Her hands were roaming through his soft hair, as his hands were slowly caressing her back. Eventually, oxygen was required and they broke apart, only to rest their foreheads against one another's. She felt peaceful, happy as he gently kissed the tip of her nose, her heart was fit to burst with love for him, for her Matthew.

"I love you."

He smiled, grinning at her, laughing as he was finally hearing the words he had always wanted to hear. Stealing a quick, heated kiss on her lips, he pulled back a little to look her fully in the eye. She could see his eyes glistening in the light from the fire.

"Mary, please – will you marry me?"

She smiled, finally a broad smile gracing her face as she pulled herself closer to him again, his arms moving to tighten his grip. She paused, tears of joy rolling her cheek as she uttered the one simple word, before kissing him once more.

"Yes."


End file.
